A Thousand Times Zero Still Equals Zero
by Butters-St0tch
Summary: Kyle didn't want to look at Cartman. "To me, you’re a zero. 1000x0 still equals zero. You may do whatever you want, a thousand times, and whatever you do to me, or say to me, I’ll still feel nothing for you. A zero.” Cartman said coldly. CartmanxKyle
1. 100x0 equals zero

**Squee! My 2nd South park fic! Okay, did the title throw you off? I'm pretty sure the title or the summary can easily confuse someone… oh well; you'll get it once you read it. Here's another CartmanxKyle fic, and I'm hoping it will keep originality throughout the whole story. I'm sorry, but like all my stories, romance will come slow, and it WILL get fluffy. They're in grade 8, just experiencing romance. This is rated T for language, and there might be some hardcore romance later on. Thank you!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any South park characters in this story; all credit goes to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. **

**CartmanxKyle**

**---------**

Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski were fighting, again. Cartman and Kyle would usually argue in public, or in front of Stan and Kenny. But what was unusual was that they were alone, and it wasn't a type of 'jew' or 'fat ass' kind of fight. Nobody was around to start the fight, nor end it. They were at South-Park-park, and Stan and Kenny had left them over two hours ago.

"You know what are the things I hate the most about you, Kyle?" Cartman glared, moving closer to Kyle, causing him to jerk back.

"I don't care what you think of me, Cartman," Kyle lied, looking away, wondering why he was still at the park. He was supposed to be home, but he wasn't going to leave without getting the last word with Cartman.

"I'll tell you the things I hate the most about you," Cartman ignored Kyle, and carried on. "I hate how you're always trying to get away from things-"

"Cartman stop, this is so immature," Kyle demanded, trying to walk away, but Cartman had gotten a grip onto Kyle's sleeve.

"See?" Cartman pointed out. "I also hate that you think you're so smart, and try to put yourself above others."

Kyle didn't try to get away, and sucked in the words Cartman was telling him. He didn't know what to say, Cartman and him would usually just have stupid useless fights that would wear off after two minutes or so, but not this time. Cartman was surprisingly very serious, and never said 'stupid-jew' once.

"I hate that you always think _you_ should be the center of attention," Cartman kept nagging. "I hate that you always ruin anything I try to do."

The words Cartman was saying stuck to Kyle, and were hurting him. He'd never heard the word 'hate' this many times in his whole life. Not many people ever said hurtful words to Kyle, besides 'jew', making him very sensitive. He tried to run away, but Cartman's grip tightened, causing his fingers to dig into Kyle's little arm.

"Ow! Cartman, stop! You're hurting me!" Kyle whimpered, and overreacted, to try to convince Cartman to let go.

"Tell me Kyle, where does it hurt, inside, or outside?" Cartman questioned Kyle, and gave him a small smile.

"Please…stop it," Kyle bellowed, and looked into Cartman's caramel-colored eyes. Kyle's rare violet-colored eyes were wet, and boggy, and looked like he was on the merge of bursting out into tears.

"And the thing I hate the most about you," Cartman said, loosening his grip on Kyle. "Is a secret."

Kyle's sad, helpless expression turned into a violent angry one. "What?" he barked.

"You heard me. I can't tell you the thing I hate most about you. It's a secret." Cartman replied, and let go of Kyle. But Kyle didn't run away.

"What do you mean? _This_ is what you wanted to tell me? That's all?" Kyle cried.

"Well yeah, you expected more? Look, I'm going home. That's all I wanted to tell you instead of just mocking you for being a god damn Jew. If you want to be enemies, I'll be your god damn enemy." Cartman concluded.

"I never said you were my enemy," Kyle said, crossing his arms.

"Yes you did."

"When?"

"The day you decided it would be funny to call me a 'fat ass'"

"If you're so innocent, why do you always call me a god damn jew?"

"Because I need to defend myself, dip shit."

"Why do you care?" Kyle said, and his expression was soft.

"Look Kyle, I don't care about you, at _all_. To me, you're a zero. 1000x0 still equals zero. You may do whatever you want, a thousand times, and whatever you do to me, or say to me, I'll still feel nothing for you. A zero." Cartman said coldly. "Anyways, I'm leaving. Good-bye, enemy."

Cartman turned away, and paced to his house. Kyle watched Cartman until he was completely out of sight. Cartman didn't turn his back once.

Kyle really didn't want to return home, but wanted to have a little bit of fun before he went back, and got yelled at by his mother and father. He was at a small park, and there was only a little bit of play equipment. He wanted to go on the swings, which seemed most appealing to him.

He marched over to the swing-set, and placed his tiny bum on the swing. He kicked his feet a little, but couldn't really get any air. He didn't know how to swing.

When Kyle was younger, his parents never brought him to the park, instead, they gave him life lessons, and tutored him on every subject in school. Kyle felt a little embarrassed, he was _thirteen_, and he didn't know how to pump his legs on a swing- set.

Instead, he just sat down on the swing, and started to think, mostly about the things Cartman said to him. _I'm selfish, I ruin people's lives, I'm stupid, I don't deserve the things I get…I'm a zero. _Kyle thought, a buried his face in his hands. He started to whimper. _Don't cry Kyle, your tears aren't worth that fat ass! _

Kyle's conscience couldn't stop him from bursting out into tears. The word _zero_ kept ringing through his head. His eyes started to get blurry from tears, and they soon rolled down his cheeks. The funny thing about Kyle was; he never made any sound when he cried. Only tears came out, and you could only tell he was crying if you saw his eyes. Right now, they were wet, and uncontrollably upset. He couldn't stop crying…over nothing.

**ACH! Sorry for such a short chapter, but trust me, the next chapter will be really long, I promise! Wow, who knew Cartman was so diabolical? Please leave reviews; I love 'em! **


	2. Catching snowflakes with your tongue

**Hah! It finally came to my head that I **_**needed**_** to finish a chapter of this story! Ideas came to my head quickly, and there you have it! I didn't update in a LONG time, so I decided that I'd leave you a nice-long read. Enjoy reading; you'll be in for a surprise. **

**I would like to thank dearly; ****GlitterBlings****, ****Ree****, ****nao. xx**** , ****screamaimfire****, and ****CartmanxKyleGoddess****, for such sweet reviews! These first reviews were so nice to read, you guys really made my day! :) I also thank people who subscribed, and favorited to this story. **

**Dangit Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or any of its characters. Credit goes to their creators, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone.**

----

It was a normal morning at South Park, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman waiting at the bus stop, for Ms. Crabtree to come and load the kids onto the bus. Of course it's been the same since the fourth grade. No changes. Except, the 'punctual' Kyle, came to the bus stop last, out of the four boys.

"Hey dude, what's up?" Stan leisurely said, and turned to Kyle's face, and gasped.

"Hey…" Kyle mumbled, under his breath.

"Dude! What the fuck happened to you?" Stan questioned, examining Kyle's eyes.

Stan's voice caught Cartmans attention, and he peered over to Kyle. His eyes were half open, bloodshot, and had heavy bags. He was rubbing his eyes, and couldn't walk straight. The frizzy, fiery, red hair Kyle had been so overprotective about, was sticking out the sides of his hat. Cartman also tried to hide the fact that he _knew_ why Kyle was such a mess. _It was because of yesterday, I pushed jew-boy to the point to make him cry. I totally lowered his self-esteem, and he thought about his 'useless-self' all night, and couldn't sleep._ Cartman thought, and looked away from Kyle, avoiding any eye contact.

"Oh nothing," Kyle said, straightening his lop-sided hat. "I guess I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Over wmat?" Kenny mumbled, wondering why the hell Kyle would be up so late.

Kyle glanced over at Cartman, who was kicking his feet shyly, and tensing-up, looking a lot like a jumpy Butters. _**He**__ knows why,_ Kyle thought, and frowned.

"Mm, studying, I guess," Kyle lied.

"Dude, you don't _need_ to study, I told you already, you're smart enough! Don't hurt yourself," Stan went on, talking about Kyle's health and 'studying-habits.'

While Stan was blabbering aimlessly about Kyle and 'his studying shit', Kenny nudged Cartman.

"What's wromg?" Kenny asked quietly, in a nervous, worried tone of voice.

"Hm? What? Nothing's wrong Kenny, what are you talking about?!" Cartman slipped, acting a little bit too jumpy and edgy.

Kenny giggled, "Dom't gimme thmat."

"Seriousla Kenny! Nothing's wrong!" Cartman shouted, looking around him, to see if Kyle and Stan were listening in on him and Kenny.

Kenny raised an eyebrow, and impatiently looked at Cartman, waiting for him to spill.

"Okay, Okay…" Cartman whispered, "I'll tell you on the bus…"

Kenny nodded, "Okay."

"…Yes Stan Marsh, I understand that sleeping is an important trait in my life. I will set studying aside, and accept my 'good-enough' grades." Kyle said, in a sing-song voice, imitating Stan's exact words.

"Good," Stan finished, as Ms. Crabtree pulled over.

"GET ON THE BUS RIGHT NOW, AND SHUT UP," Ms. Crabtree welcomed.

"Only until you get that sand out of your vagina, you big-fat-smelly-bitch," Stan quietly said under his breath.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Ms. Crabtree screamed, and basically fell out of her chair.

"I said, 'only until you get that sand out of your vagina, you big-fat-smelly-bitch," Stan repeated.

"Oh. Okay," she replied, and closed the bus door after the 'kids.'

Stan sat next to a sleepy Kyle, who would barely talk on the bus.

Kenny squirmed onto Cartman's seat, and surprisingly fit, most likely because of his malnutrition, being skinny as a twig.

He impatiently stared at Cartman, right as soon as he sat down, and waited for an answer to the question he asked him earlier.

Cartman took a deep breath, and clamped both of his hands together dramatically, as if he was going to say the president's speech or something. "I feel guilty," he peeped.

"Wait-Wmat?" Kenny cocked his head, and took off his hood, to speak clearly, and to see Cartman's helpless face without any blocking of his hood. _This was a priceless sight of Eric Cartman._

"Well…yesterday, after you and Stan left at the park," Cartman said slowly, and Kenny nodded at every word Cartman was saying. "I was alone with Kyle."

"…what did you rape him or something?" Kenny giggled, joking around.

Cartman rolled his eyes, and continued. "For some reason, I wanted to be a complete douche bag, and decided to rip-on Kyle."

Kenny raised his eyebrow, and threw his arms in the air. "You do that all the time asshole!"

"No, _this time_, I went farther than 'you-stupid-jew.'" Cartman admitted, and buried his face in his hands.

"Eric! What the hell did you do?!" Kenny questioned dramatically, playfully nudging him on the shoulder.

"I…I……told him why I hated him and things I don't like about him," Cartman replied quickly, looking up at Kenny.

"Wow, you're a nice friend," Kenny said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Kenneh, I feel bad for him, he was like…crying or something and he couldn't sleep last night because of what I told him," Cartman peeped, "I think I went too far."

"Eric Cartman? Feeling sympathy?" Kenny grinned like an idiot, and laughed immaturely.

"You're not helping," Cartman whined, and ignored Kenny for the rest of the bus ride, looking out the window.

**---**

"_Kyle_…I know you weren't sleeping much last night," Stan whispered into Kyle's ear. "I know that the reason wasn't because you were studying."

"What?" Kyle whispered back.

"I know you," Stan said deeply, shooting Kyle with his piercing grayish-bluish eyes. "You _know_ you're an academic, and you have no competition."

Kyle let out a deep sigh. "I know," Kyle whimpered, and his eyes were swelling up with tears.

"Dude! Kyle! What's wrong?!" Stan's eyes widened and he put his hands on Kyle's shoulders, to get a grip of him.

Kyle frowned, and took a deep breath. He was trying his hardest to fight back tears, and he didn't want to re-tell the hurtful words Cartman told him, but, he had to. Stan was his best friend, and Kyle had to tell him anything, and everything.

"It's Cartman…" Kyle sniffled, looking out the window.

"Son of a bitch! I thought so! Was it when Kenny and I left the park?" Stan screamed, looking at the seat where Cartman was sitting, and gave Cartman a dirty look.

Kyle nodded, and buried his face in Stan's chest. Stan jumped a bit at first, to Kyle's sudden approach, but he patted Kyle on the back soothingly. He felt Kyle's soft sobbing, and heard him sniffling.

Kyle's head tilted up from Stan's chest, and looked into his eyes. "He hurt me Stan," Kyle said sniffling. "_He hurt me_…"

"Bastard! What did he do?" Stan questioned, squeezing Kyle's minuscule body tighter.

"He…he…told me that…" Kyle didn't have the heart to repeat the words Cartman said.

"Come on, it couldn't be _that_ bad, it's Cartman," Stan said, giving Kyle a small smile.

"No…" Kyle sobbed, "He told me _why_ he hated me and that… that…" Kyle stumbled for his words. "He told me I was a _zero_."

"Aw, what is there to hate?" Stan questioned, batting his eyelashes playfully.

"Everything!" Kyle yelled, and started bawling harder.

"And…what did he mean by zero?" Stan replied, patting Kyle on the back.

"I don't know exactly, but…" Kyle said, straightening his back, and giving a confusing look to Stan. "He told me that 100x0=0, and whatever I do to him, or say to him, I will still be a zero."

"Oh…I see what he meant by that," Stan said, catching on. "But hey, is he trying to use _math_ on you?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Wow, he's calling _you_ a zero?" Stan asked, sarcastically. "That pretty pathetic, considering that the only zero's he see's in his life _is on his tests_."

Kyle giggles, and Stan joins in.

Kyle wiped the remaining tears from his eyes, and gave Stan a pretty, 'I'm all better' smile.

"But, what really surprised me was about how sudden he went on," Kyle said, tapping his index finger on his lip.

**---**

Once Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny got off the bus, everything went awkward. Stan wouldn't stop giving Cartman dirty looks, and Cartman figured that Kyle had already told him 'the news.'

Kenny thought it was too boring that Cartman and Kyle wouldn't talk to each other, so he decided to spice things up a bit. "So…Kyle, Cartman...this is unusual, you guys haven't argued at all."

Cartman shot Kenny a dirty 'you-know-why' look.

Kyle looked like he was about to burst out crying.

Stan wanted to change the subject, to keep Kyle from having a random outburst. "We have 15 minutes left before school actually starts," Stan stated, looking around the playground. "And it's snowing!"

"Hey…it is," Kenny said, putting his hood back on. "M'all better!"

"Remember when we'd stick out our tongues and eat Christmas snow?" Cartman remembered, smiling kindly at Kyle, looking at him for the first time today.

"Yeah, but _I_ couldn't eat any because you said Jews couldn't eat Christmas snow!" Kyle said playfully, crossing his arms. He was trying to set a friendly mood.

"I aint stopping you anymore," Cartman said quietly, turning away, bringing Kenny with him.

"_Eric…where are we going?"_ Kenny whispered, while Cartman was dragging him. He brought him far away from Stan and Kyle, who were dumbfounded of their sudden leave.

"I need help! I've made it extremely awkward to even look at Kyle!" Cartman said, panting.

"Dude…I dom't knom what to do," Kenny said, irritated, trying to move back towards Stan and Kyle. He wasn't in the mood to waste his morning recess being 'Dr. Phil McCormick.'

"Yes you do, Kenny, you always know what to do when I'm in trouble," Cartman said, pouting and trying to look helpless.

"Cartman, dom't yoo ever do the puppy dog face agaim," Kenny said, backing away from Cartman. He gave a disgusted shiver. "Yoo look so fuckimg gay."

"Kenny, you have to fucking help me get out of this mess," Cartman said strictly, shooting a piercing stare at Kenny.

"Whatemer dude, I'm leavimg," Kenny said, making his way towards Kyle and Stan.

"Kenny, why are you being so ignorant?" Cartman asked, he was upset that Kenny wasn't being a good friend. Kenny was usually always there for his back.

Kenny scoffed, and turned around, facing Cartman. "ME? You're calling ME ignorant?"

"Yeah, you won't help me get this stupid mess straight."

"You're the one who started it, why do you expect me to finish it?"

"If you were a good friend, you would."

"Are you calling me a bad friend?"

"Maybe."

Kenny glared, made his way towards Cartman, and pushed him on the shoulders slightly. Cartman returned the push, and Kenny got mad, and returned a push, with harder force. The routine wouldn't stop.

---

"I'm not getting any snow on my tongue!" Kyle pleaded.

"Stick your tongue out farther," Stan replied. "Hah, I got one on my mouth."

Kyle aimlessly stuck out his thin, pinkish tongue, and walked around, trying to catch snow on his tongue.

"You're never going to eat any snow if you walk around like that," Stan said, catching another snowflake on his tongue.

"Okay, okay," Kyle said, standing still. He waited for a snowflake to fall on his tongue. Nothing happened, and the muscles in his tongue were getting tired. He kept trying; he wanted to have a taste of 'Christmas snow.'

Cartman and Kenny were still pushing each other slightly, harder every time. It got to the point where Cartman started pushing too hard, and Kenny got pissed off. They were shoving each other around, and kept pushing each other. They didn't notice they we're making their way towards Stan and Kyle.

Stan noticed that Cartman and Kenny were coming by, and he cocked his head. He wondered why they were shoving each other around. He shrugged, and turned away, he didn't want to get into anything.

Kyle didn't notice that Cartman and Kenny were fighting; he was way too focused on catching a snowflake on his mouth.

Kyle looked up in the sky, and stuck out his tongue. He was too ignorant of his surroundings, that he didn't see Cartman making his way towards him, being pushed by Kenny.

Finally, Kenny took a nasty, rock-hard push at Cartman, which pushed him into Kyle.

Kyle's tongue smashed onto Cartman's lips. Kyle looked down, and saw his tongue pressed against Cartman's lips. He quickly pulled away, disgusted.

"…Did you just lick me…?" Cartman said, quivering.

Kenny gasped.

"…I-I… I was sticking my tongue out to catch snow!" Kyle pleaded. He didn't want to be known as a fag for this misunderstanding…

"Dude, what happened?" Stan asked, making his way towards Cartman and Kyle. They were both sharing the same, embarrassed, disgusted look.

Kyle's violet-green purple eyes, and Cartman's caramel-brown eye's shared a look. They were huge, and stunned.

Kyle's tiny hand was clamped over his mouth, and Cartman couldn't feel his lips.

"Aw dude, what happened?" Stan said, nobody was answering, so he glanced over to Kenny. His periwinkle eyes were full of worry. "Kenny?"

"They…they..." Kenny was shocked, and looked down at his feet, and thought he couldn't respond. Kyle and Cartman clamped their eyes shut, they were about to hear the words from their action. "Kyle licked Cartman."

Stan was speechless, but managed to peep out one word. "_Why_?"

"I-I didn't mean to! I was doing like you said, sticking out my tongue, waiting for a snowflake, when Kenny comes in, pushes Cartman, and his lips just-so-happened to bash onto my tongue," Kyle stuttered, flushing velvet red, the same color as his hair. Cartman's cheeks were also swelling up into a pinkish-reddish color.

"It was all a misunderstanding! Kyle didn't mean to lick Cartman!" Kenny screamed, very quickly.

Cartman blinked, and glanced down to his feet, kicking them a little. "But that doesn't undo me being licked by Kyle."

"Who cares," Stan said, shrugging. "No one will ever know. We're not going to tell anybody, right?"

"Right," they replied in unison.

_Driiing! _The recess bell rang, and kids were lining up to get inside.

Cartman secretly licked his lips, and made his way to class.

The scene of Kyle licking Cartman kept playing through both Kyle, and Cartman's minds. It felt like Kyle had licked Cartman a million times.

_Lick, lick, lick…._

When Cartman and Kyle got into class, their cheeks we're flushing a deep red. Luckily, nobody knew that their cheeks _weren't_ red from the cold.

**That was a REALLY long write, and probably a really long read. Squee! What did you think of it? Review, review, review!!**


	3. Secret Admirer

**A/N: I'm SO sorry for the late update. I couldn't really update, because I had so many things on my hands; I was the mom of the house for a week…**

**I'm kind of writing this as I go, and I hope this turns out nicely….**

**Please thank; ****You'vebeenJayed****, ****C I r c u s****., ****super manako sohma****, ****GlitterBlings****, ****nao. Xx****, and ****Torahamutaru-chan**** for precious reviews.  
**

**ON WITH THE SHOW!**

**----**

Kyle hung his little tangerine-colored coat on his school hook, and paced silently to Garrison's classroom. He glanced at Cartman a few times before entering class, still shuddering every time he looked at his peachy lips.

He got over to his half-desk, pulled his bum over his seat, and saw Cartman seating next to him. He forgot Cartman was sitting _right_ next to him. Cartman was a bit quiet, and jumped every time his own name, or Kyle's.

Kyle noticed that the 'licking event' had made quite an episode. Neither Cartman, nor himself would let it go. _This isn't going to stop, _he thought. _Things are going to be even more awkward than they were after he harassed me at the park._

Kyle banged his head on his desk a few times, and then buried his face on his hands. He had grabbed a lot of attention from his classmates, and a few were staring curiously, including Cartman.

Stan nudged Kyle lightly, and whispered, "Kyle…it's okay, and nobody will know what happened at recess...with you and Cartman."

"It's not _that_ I'm worried about," Kyle glanced over at Cartman, who was shifting around his seat, and looked back at Stan. "Things are even more awkward between me and Cartman."

"Aw dude! It's not like you made out with him or anything! That didn't mean anything!"

Kyle looked blank for a moment, and his cheeks flushed a tint of pink. "I-um…it meant something to Cartman!"

Stan cocked his head, and raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Kyle went uneasy. He shifted around in his seat, and sat up straight. Kyle cleared his throat, and clasped his hands together. "Cartman is now going to think I'm gay, or something, or spread the word that _I_ licked him, and make me look like a huge fag!"

Stan paused for a moment. "But…didn't we say that this incident wouldn't leave our group?"

Kyle's face looked as if he was talking to a four-year-old. "Do you know who Eric Cartman is?"

"Uh…" Stan looked away from Kyle, and began to glance down to his feet. He was searching for the right words to say. "Nobody will _believe_ Cartman if he ever says you're gay. People will just think he's crazy, and making up another meaningless rumor."

Kyle sighed, "I hope you're right-"

Kyle and Stan's chit-chat was interrupted by Kevin. He poked Kyle's arm, with a folded note in his hand. "It's a note…for you," He said.

Kyle nodded, and took the note, and unfolded it. Stan peered over to the note in curiosity. "Who's it from?" Stan asked, staring at the note.

"I don't know," Kyle said, opening the note. He quickly glanced over the writing, to see clear, elegant script. There were pink and red hearts drawn all over the paper. He didn't like the look of this.

_To My Dearest Kyle,_

_You are gorgeous. Every time I look into your eyes, I feel emptiness._

_I feel neglected, and I want to make you an important part of my life. _

_Someday, I will have your ass, and lips._

_Your secret admirer_

Kyle raised an eyebrow, and jerked back from his seat. He was befuddled, and extremely surprised of how this note came on short-notice.

Stan noticed Kyle's tenseness. "What?" He asked, taking the note away from Kyle.

Kyle watched Stan, as he was reading his note; Stan's eyes grew wider after every word he read.

After Stan finished reading, both he and Kyle shared a surprised, traumatized look.

"Dude, Kyle, who's it from?"

"I have no idea… it came from Kevin-"

Kyle poked Kevin, and got his attention. "Kevin, where did this note come from?"

"Oh...I don't know. I think it came from Cartman or something," he replied, and resumed working in class.

Kyle and Stan stood mesmerized. _…Cartman?_

Kyle had many thoughts, mostly doubt. It was extremely unlikely for _Cartman_ to send _him_ a love letter. Kyle quickly got away from the thought.

"It's probably from someone who sits _around_ Cartman," Stan assured.

"Yeah, I guess," Kyle said, scanning seats around Cartman with his eyes.

_Craig, Butters, Clyde, Wendy, Bebe…_

Kyle stopped at Bebe. _Bebe Stevens?_ Kyle began thinking of the history of his relationship with Bebe. He remembered that Bebe had a little crush on him in grade three, and she wasted his lips by giving him his first, disgusting kiss.

Bebe noticed Kyle was staring at her, so she flipped her hair behind her shoulders, and waved with her fingers, flirtatiously. Kyle turned away, and an angry, upset look covered his face. _Oh fuck, I'm in deep shit, _he thought.

---

It was recess time, and Stan and Kyle were chatting about Kyle's secret admirer privately, while Cartman and Kenny had time to chat. They couldn't find anything in particular to do, so they did what most eighth-graders do, walk around, and talk.

"So," Kenny said, stopping dead in his tracks. Kenny took off his hood, and revealed his gorgeous, baby-face to Cartman. He flicked some messy, blonde hair out of his face. Cartman stopped along with him.

"How was feasting on Kyle's lips?" Kenny asked, seriously.

"Excuse me?" Cartman looked horrified.

"Don't give me bull, how did the Jew taste?" Kenny questioned playfully.

"Kenny! What the fuck? I bumped into him by accident! I didn't make out with him!" Cartman screamed, flushing to the color of his beet-red jacket.

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Well then…what _did_ happen?"

"I-um… YOU were pushing me around," Cartman said, glaring at Kenny, while Kenny sheepishly smiled, and shrugged. "And-um, Kyle was trying to catch snowflakes with his tongue, and I bumped into him!"

"Too bad, nothing serious," Kenny said, shaking his head in pity. "Give me detail."

At first, Cartman was a bit offended, and dumbstruck, but he shrugged, and gave in. "Well…I bumped into him, and his tongue went _right_ onto my lips."

Kenny nodded. "Anything else? Did your _tongues_ 'bump by accident?"

"Uh…" Cartman thought of the memory, and shuddered. "Yeah, his tongue slithered onto mine. It was only for about a second though!"

"WOAH! Dude, that's hot!" Kenny licked his lips, and moaned.

"Kenny, stop it! I don't wanna talk about this," Cartman said, crossing his arms.

"Speak for yourself," Kenny muttered. "I'd like to get my hands on that Jew-ass…"

Cartman didn't hear Kenny, and they continued to walk around the playground. Kenny got a conversation started.

"Hey, Cartman?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's go find Stan and Kyle."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I'm kind of bored."

"Okay."

Kenny and Cartman searched around the playground, and found Kyle sitting in a corner, with his face buried in his hands. There was a note sitting next to Kyle's foot. Stan was standing over top of him, with one hand on his shoulder. Kenny was the first one to notice.

"Whoa dude! What happened there?" Kenny said, making his way towards Kyle and Stan. Cartman followed awkwardly.

Kenny sprinted towards Stan and Kyle, and stared at Stan, astounded.

Kenny mouthed; 'What happened?'

Stan mouthed back; 'Girl trouble.'

Kenny grinned a smile too big for his face, and nodded. Cartman just shrugged.

"Kyle, buddy," Kenny said, lowering his body to Kyle's level. "What's the matter?"

"Everything," Kyle mumbled, looking up, giving a kinesthetic glance to his surroundings.

Cartman rolled his eyes. _What a whiney-bitch Jew, _he thought.

"Aw, what happened?" Kenny questioned, patting Kyle's back.

"Stupid Bebe has a crush on me, and I don't know what to do!" Kyle screamed.

Kenny winced. "What's so bad about that?" He said sarcastically.

"I don't like her," Kyle replied.

"AND- that's fine," Stan interrupted, giving Kenny a dirty glare.

Cartman felt a little tinge of jealousy going down his spine. _How come _he_ gets all the girls? "_But dude, didn't you check out her rack? They're even bigger than before!" Cartman screamed.

Kyle blinked. "Is that the only quality you find attractive in a girl?"

"I do," Kenny giggled, raising one hand in the air.

Kyle rolled his eyes, and resumed moping.

"Dude, Kyle, it's alright," Stan said patting his back. "I'll tell Wendy that you're not interested in Bebe, and Wendy will tell Bebe, and everything will be back to normal!"

"Really?" Kyle smiled.

"Yeah!" Stan said, helping Kyle up from the ground.

"Wait-" Kenny interrupted. "How do you know Bebe likes you?"

"She sent me a note…" Kyle trailed off.

"Was it signed by her?" Kenny asked.

"It was signed 'secret admirer'," Stan said quietly.

"AND you expect it to be from her? Couldn't it be from someone else?" Kenny said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Who else could it be?" Cartman said. "I mean, girls don't like Kyle _that_ much. Bebe is the only girl that can find a liking to Kyle, besides, she's a total tramp." Kyle hoped Cartman was right.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "No Cartman, lots of girls like Kyle," Kenny said, and Kyle groaned. "You'd expect Bebe to be the only one?"

Stan tapped his lip with his index finger. "Well then…I guess finding Kyle's 'secret admirer' is going to be harder than I thought."

Kyle slapped his forehead with his palm. "I hate girls."

Cartman jerked his head back. "What? You like guys?"

Kyle's eyes widened. "No! No! That's not what I meant! I don't like _anybody_!" He could feel his face getting hot.

Stan pouted. "You don't like me?"

Kyle giggled at Stan's playfulness. "Not in _that_ way."

"Sure," Cartman said sarcastically, smiling a toothy grin.

"I don't!" Kyle began to blush a tint of pink.

_Driiing_, the recess bell rang, and saved Kyle from being harassed by his friends.

The four musketeers made their way to class; it was almost the end of the day.

"How are we going to find out who Kyle's secret admirer is?" Kenny questioned curiously, glancing towards a group of flirty girls.

"I don't know," Kyle replied.

**GAH! That was long, I think. Thank you very much my lovelies, for reading. This is getting pretty intense… I'm excited for writing the next chapter. Again, sorry for the long wait.**

**ANYWAYS, Review, Review, Review!**


	4. The Love Boat wins over The Doo Whooper

Man. I'm a late updater, aren't I? I feel bad for my poor readers. Sorry!! I'm too fixed onto my regular everyday routine, and I can't ever fit in fanfic writing time.

Ha-ha- has anyone read encyclopedia dramatica? If you have, have you read the post about ? It might be very offensive to some, but who gives a rat's ass? It's freaking hilarious! I recommend you check it out, if you aren't an overprotective mother. Hah. I made a funny.

Alright, I haven't really got this chapter planned out. I don't have any specific ideas, and I'm sort of just writing this as I go. I don't know how this will start, nor end. Kenny lovers, you're in luck, he has his own little intense scene here (heh). I'm cutting short on romance though… sorry.

---

"Did you know that we spend most of our lives in school?" Kyle questioned, matter-of-factly, as he circled around with his friends.

Cartman rolled his coconut colored eyes. "Dip shit."

Stan cupped his hand over Cartman's mouth, after he only said two words.

"Shush!" Stan snapped bitterly, looking away from Cartman. "Let's go pick a ride to go on."

The four musketeers decided they wanted to go to an amusement park for the weekend, since the school week had been long and dramatic. They tried to keep girls off of Kyle's mind, so he would stop bitching and whining about how he's going to deal with his secret admirer.

They had entered the colorful theme park, and Kenny had forced them into the 'extreme rides' section.

"You guys, I used to own this theme park you know," Cartman said nostalgically, shaking his head in pity, while staring back at the wide main gates that used to say 'Cartman land' on them. "It used to be Cartman land, and it was all mine. I remember riding _my_ rides, all day. But those sons-a-bitches took it away from me!"

Stan, Kyle and Kenny gave each other puzzled looks, and then Kyle's face lit up, and then quickly shut down again.

"Hey! I remember that! I was only in grade four, and you made me lose my faith in God. You always hated me, didn't you? Well you know what? It's not Cartman land anymore! It's Fun land!" Kyle barked wildly out of the usual. Kyle kept getting shut down over the stupidest things ever since they entered to the theme park.

"Don't start. You got back your faith in god, that's all that matters. Now quit your bitching!" Stan growled harshly. Stan had something up his ass ever since Kyle had gotten that 'secret admirer' letter.

"What's been up _your_ ass," Kyle muttered under his breath.

The four aimlessly circled around the super-cool-awesome-scary-intense rides, but never stopped at one to get in line. Cartman kept suggesting rides, since he had once owned half of them, but everyone neclecticly ignored him.

Suddenly, Kenny stopped dead in his tracks, and got broken off the chain. Cartman, Stan and Kyle looked back. He was aweing up at the new rollercoaster the theme park put up. The Doo Whooper. The name spoke for itself, the rollercoaster sounded ridiculous. It had neon green tracks, and shiny new yellow carts. That's not what threw you off, though. The ride was famous for dunking wet, mushy fake shit on your head before the end of the ride.

Kenny ignored his friends' presence, and sprinted to the ticket booth for 'The Doo Whooper.'

Soon enough, Cartman, Kyle and Stan caught up to him, giving him dirty, harsh looks.

"Kenny, _what the hell_ are you doing?" Cartman asked in a serious tone, eyeing the big brown wooden sign that had the words 'Doo Whopper' printed in a lighter color of brown. The font was supposed to look like shit, or something.

"I'm goimg om the Doo Whopper!" Kenny giggled like a four year old, throwing his shiny red ticket admission on the ticket booth, and making his way to the cheesy yellow carts.

"Kenny, this ride is supposed to throw shit all over your head at the end of the ride," Stan said, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the ride.

Kenny started laughing like a maniac.

"I kmow!" Kenny said in between laughs, "Isn't that awesomm?"

He broke away from Stan's hold, and hopped into one of the occupied ducky yellow carts.

_Keep your hands and legs in the cart, and stay seated at all times. Must we remind you; the dung is _NOT _real. Thank you, and enjoy your ride! _The pre-recorded female announcer said monotony.

Kenny got seated in the very front cart, on the empty rollercoaster. A little boy was already seated there.

"Hey, I'm Kemmy. I'm mo mumped for mhis mide!" Kenny peeped cheerfully to the shy little boy.

"What?" The little boy didn't quite catch Kenny's muffled words.

"I'm Kenny, and I'm pumped for this ride," Kenny repeated, taking off his hood, and adding a friendly toothy grin.

"Really? My name's Kelly," the eight year old piped. "I'm not scared! I'm ready for this intense ride!"

"Kelly? Isn't that a girl's name?" Kenny giggled, getting comfortable in his cushioned rollercoaster seat.

"Uh, yeah, I don't really like it," Kelly shook his head, and crossed his arms tightly around his chest.

"No man, it's cool," Kenny assured. He quickly changed the subject. "Hey, are you excited for the _end _of the ride?"

"No, what's going on?" Kelly asked, stunned and startled.

"They're supposed to spray fake crap all over you at the end!" Kenny squealed, getting more thrilled.

Kelly's light eyes grew wider, and frightened. He gripped his tiny hands around the rollercoaster cart bar tightly, for safety.

"Isn't it hilarious!?" Kenny busted for a short two seconds, noticing Kelly wasn't joining in, and as psyched as he was. Kenny softened.

"Hey...it's alright buddy, it's not real crap," Kenny said, resting a hand on Kelly's shoulder. "Besides, this rollercoaster really isn't all that fast."

"It isn't?" Kelly thrilled, brightening his baby face.

"No! You can close your eyes if you want," Kenny suggested, shutting his eyes tightly for an example.

"Okay," Kelly said, charging up.

"We're the only ones on this rollercoaster…" Kenny claimed, looking at the empty seats behind him.

"That's because we're brave!" Kelly fired, getting juiced up. Kenny jeered at the little boy.

Then, the ride started to shift slowly down the tracks. Kelly let out a little shriek.

At that instance, the ride started to quicken, and turn steeply down the tracks. Kenny raised his arms in the air, while Kelly held a tight grip around the safety bar. Their screams were the only ones heard on the ride.

Next, a giant loop passed, and…

_KERPLUNK!_

A bucketful of wet, mushy, brown crap fell over top of their heads. Kenny was laughing hysterically, while Kelly gushed in disgust.

"Yuck!" Kelly screamed, wiping a wet glop of shit off his face.

By the end of the ride, Kelly and Kenny were both yipping with delight.

As the doors of the rollercoaster cart flew open, Kenny got up, and made his way to the exit with Kelly. They we're both wiping crap off of each other.

"That was so much fun!" Kelly squealed.

"Yeah! I wonder how they make this crap-"Kenny got cut off after he saw his three friends, waiting impatiently at the exit.

"Sorry Kelly, I gotta go," Kenny said, pouting, and making his way towards his antsy friends. "I'll catch you later sometime!"

"Aw!" Kelly whined, hugging Kenny tightly around his hips.

"Heh," Kenny chuckled, as Kelly let go. "Maybe we can go on this ride again later."

"O-Kay!" Kelly peeped, marching away to another rollercoaster.

"You're so immature," Kyle shook his head.

Kenny shrugged, smiling sheepishly.

"The fuck is this?" Cartman scoffed, scooping a piece of fake shit off of Kenny's nose with his index finger. He examined it, and flung some at Kyle.

"HEY!" Kyle howled, viciously taking off the gross poop. Cartman giggled in amusement.

"Have you guys been on any rides since I went on the Doo Whooper?" Kenny questioned curiously.

"No, not yet," Stan stated.

"You guys are pussies," Kenny rolled his eyes. "Can't you go on ANY rides in the extreme section?"

"Well, we've been _trying _to," Cartman said smugly, while giving a dirty look to Kyle. "But _someone _hasn't hit puberty yet."

"That's not true Cartman! These rides are just really lame, that's all," Kyle concluded, giving a horrible excuse for his scarce.

Kenny lit up. "I know a ride _nobody's_ scared of…except for boys who haven't hit manhood yet."

"Is it the Excelsior rollercoaster?" Stan asked, getting curious, and a bit anxious.

"Love boat."

"What?" Stan, Kyle and Cartman said at the same time.

"You heard me," Kenny gawked impatiently. "The Love Boat. Only real men can go on that without getting sick."

"Have _you _been on it?" Kyle questioned, twitching.

"Hella lot," Kenny smirked, remembering his past experiences. Kyle shuddered.

"I'll go on it," Cartman stiffened, straightening his back. He was trying to put on a brave impression.

Kyle noticed. "I will too!" He would do anything to be tougher than Cartman.

"That's not fair you guys!" Stan cried, feeling a bit hurt and left out of the excitement. "You guys know I get sick easily!"

They all remembered his disgusting past-times with Wendy, and began to laugh. Every time Wendy tried to kiss Stan, he'd feel all queasy and puke all over her.

"You guys are ass holes! I hate you guys!" Stan roared out of the blue, and disappeared into the crowd. Kyle followed.

Cartman and Kenny stood together, alarmed and astounded.

"What the fuck is wrong with Stan? Does he have mad cow disease or something?" Cartman asked Kenny, sarcastically. Deep inside, he was worried, just like Kenny.

"I don't know…"

---

"STAN! STANELY MARSH! Wait up!" Kyle yelled after Stan, who was running towards the washrooms. Stan didn't answer.

Kyle, being the fast track-and-field runner, he immediately caught up to Stan's pace, and stopped him. Kyle took hold of Stan's shoulders, and wouldn't let him go. Stan tried to squirm out, but he gave up, dropped to the floor, and burst out into tears. Kyle was taken aback of the sudden break down.

"Stan.." Kyle called quietly, crouching down to his floor level. "What's the matter?"

Stan sniffled, and glared through his tears. He rested his head on his knees. "Go away."

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," Stan lied, and avoided any eye contact with Kyle.

"Yes there is, tell me."

Stan hesitated for a moment, took a deep breath and it came out. He had to tell _someone_…

"Wendy broke up with me."

There was a dead silence.

"You are permitted to three questions," Stan granted.

"Okay, when did she break up with you?" Kyle asked as he was permitted.

"A week before you got your secret admirer note."

Kyle was about to make a bunch of inferences, but his mind stopped him. "You're not going to go Goth, are you?"

"No."

"You're not going to leave the theme park, are you?"

"I don't think I have a choice."

Kyle helped Stan off his feet, and made him stand up. He found a handkerchief in his pocket, and handed it to Stan to wipe away his tears.

"Stan, don't let that bitch get in your way of happiness. She'll probably date you in another week or so," Kyle assured, as Stan was blowing his nose.

"I guess you're right," Stan sniffled, and handed the handkerchief back to Kyle. Kyle rejected it, and Stan littered it on the ground.

"Let's go back and show Kenny we're not pussies, and go on the Love Boat!" Kyle said naively, getting pumped.

"About that…" Stan stopped. "The Love Boat is a two-seater ride…we're going to have to go through the whole ride with _each other_. It's a boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Wouldn't that totally make us gay?"

"I don't know…why would Kenny want to do that?" Kyle said, clueless.

"No idea."

"That would be hella embarrassing… what do you think the carnie would do?" Kyle stuttered.

"Let's convince them to go on a different ride," Stan said shrugging, maintaining all emotion control and walking away from the washroom doors.

"But Stan! You know I'm terrified of all the other rides they'll pick!" Kyle stammered, stomping one foot on the ground.

"Let's catch up to them," Stan concluded, and they made their way to the exit of the Doo Whopper.

---

"We're going on the Love Boat, and that's final," Kenny ended.

"Why do you want to go?" Stan questioned casually.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "So I can pick up some chicks!"

"Who'll we go with then?" Cartman asked, looked at Kyle and Stan, and shuddered.

"I don't know, just go with each other. Practice or something, you guys will go on the Love Boat too, right as soon as you get girlfriends," Kenny winked, and sprinted to meet up with one of his tall, blonde girlfriends.

"Skank." Cartman scoffed coldly after Kenny.

The three that were left glanced around at each other's faces. There was a cold silence between them, luckily, Cartman broke it.

"We don't have to go on the Love Boat, but let's get away from the Doo Whooper ride, it smells and I'm starting to wonder if that shit they dump on you is real or not," Cartman said, swatting air in front of his nose with his hand.

"Should we? I mean, for experience?" Kyle asked curiously, kicking his feet at the ground. This wasn't an easy question; he was blushing wild colors of red.

"Dude! Are you saying that we should experiment on each other?" Stan screamed. He was wondering how Kyle's sexuality was flowing at the moment.

"Hell no! I just want to see what the ride looks like! Plus, they won't let _one_ person ride the Love Boat," Kyle argued, visualizing the inside of the Love Boat.

"Yeah, I've been on every ride here except the Doo Whooper and Love Boat…" Cartman agreed, shrugging it off with his coolness.

Stan sighed. "Do you guys really want to go?"

Kyle and Cartman nodded in unison.

"Okay," Stan bellowed, while the three got in line for the gushy romantic ride.

While they were in line, Cartman spoke. "Wait…There's only three of us; one of us is going to have to go alone."

Stan and Kyle glanced evilly at each other, and shrugged, meaning; 'Cartman is stuck going on the ride alone' Too bad for them, Cartman could read body language.

"Ay! You guys are seriousla not fair! Stan, why don't you go with your girlfriend or something?" Cartman panted, stomping one foot hard to the ground, letting out his anger.

There was a pause. "She broke up with me," Stan stated, looking at the faint clouds. Cartman didn't reply.

"Hey…isn't that her, up there?" Cartman questioned, wincing at a tiny figure, with long flowing jet hair, a few spaces up the line than them. She was accompanied by Bebe, and they were jabbering about something.

"Where?!" Stan quickly reacted, and squirmed his body around, looking for his woman in the big line up. He found her with Bebe, and let out a huge sigh of relief. He decided to approach her, without seeming like he was cutting through the line.

Stan meekly tapped Wendy on the shoulder, and she turned to see a shy Stan. Her eyes widened, and so did her smile.

"Stan!" She squealed, and let her whole body drop in Stan's arms. Stan couldn't help but feel a little queasy, her sugary scent was picking up.

"I'm sorry I broke up with you, I just needed a little break. Maybe we could try again," Wendy cried, getting a little teary. She let go of Stan's embrace, and gazed deep into his light, dazed eyes. "Would you like to go on the Love Boat with me?"

Stan couldn't speak, so he only nodded. Wendy held his hand, and before Bebe knew it, she was going on the ride alone. And before Kyle knew it, he was stuck going on the Love Boat…with Cartman.

**Sorry, cliffhanger. I'm sorry, but I couldn't write anymore. That would be…too much of a read. Theme parks are awesome, aren't they? I just noticed there was a lot going on in this chapter. Hah, review, and enter favorite parts. (: I promise to mention reviewers next chapter! **


	5. On with the show, this is it!

**Yep. It's up. Sorry for the wait, I don't know how my readers bare with me. Alright, on with your short chapter.**

---

"NO CARTMAN! NO, NO, NO, NO, _NO_!" Kyle screamed, shaking his head, and stomping his feet on the ground like a four year old, refusing to share his toys.

"Calm down!" Cartman hushed Kyle, and gripped his hands on his body to stop him from having a rampage. "You're acting like you're a rape victim or something!"

"Well, you basically _are_ raping me!" Kyle hissed, throwing Cartman's hands off his shoulders. "I don't want to go on the Love Boat with _you_!"

"Dude, you're acting like I'm hot for you or something. I'm just…" Cartman gestured his hands in the air, looking for his words. "Preparing myself."

Kyle tilted his head, and furrowed his eyebrows. _What?_

"'Kay listen. You're going to have a girlfriend at some point of time with this 'secret admirer' shit going on. Someday, you'll be going on the Love Boat with your bitch, like Kenny's doing right now. Unless, you're gay or something." Cartman explained clearly, advancing in the line-up with Kyle.

"I am not gay! I'm not, I'm not!" Kyle screeched, like a four year old, again. He obviously wasn't getting Cartman's message through his head.

"Alright, Alright. Well, some day, I'll be getting some chick too. Don't you think I would like to be prepared to kiss her on the Love Boat?" Cartman complained.

"How am I preparing you?" Kyle asked, running gross pictures and thoughts through his mind. 'Preparing Cartman' sounded a tad dirty.

"You haven't been on the Love Boat. Neither have I. You can only be permitted to ride on it if you're going on with someone. Would you like to take a peek at the insides of the romance ride, _mon cher Kyle?" _ Cartman said.

"Oh. _Ohhh_. So basically, you're giving us a sneak peak of the Love Boat, and preparing ourselves if we ever get girlfriends?" Kyle cleared up.

"Bingo." Cartman sighed, while patting Kyle on the head lightly, like a puppy who got a well deserved treat.

"Alright. But no funny business!" Kyle warned, wagging his index finger in front of Cartman's nose.

"You think I'd do anything to you? Dude, I'm not gay." Cartman laughed, shaking his head. Kyle understood, but he still had his own thoughts and wonders of Cartman's sexuality.

"_Butters didn't think so when you put your wiener in his mouth_," Kyle muttered under his breath.

The advanced another two places in the lineup, and came across a young carnie worker. She looked like she lived on Kenny's street, or was related to him or something. Her hair was dirty blonde. _Literally._ It was greasy, but tied back in a high pony. The rims of her eyes were dark, and she had a tall coffee on the side of her ticket booth. Oh well. Bottom line was, she looked poor, and the theme park was probably an easy way to make money for her.

"You _two_?" Asked the teenage girl in the ticket booth. She gave them a dirty look, considering that two boys were going on. As a couple. Her name tag read 'Ashley.'

"It's not what you think." Cartman said, waving both of his palms in front of his chest.

Kyle dug his face in the heel of his hand. _God dammit Cartman._

"Um, alright, tickets please." Ashley requested, waiting for some tickets to feast on.

Kyle didn't say anything, and placed six tickets on her booth. Three tickets for the each of them.

Cartman and Kyle stood distances away from each other, feeling uneasy and uncomfortable about going on the corny ride.

The headed down a short tunnel that lead to the ride itself. It was worse than they imagined. Instead of the ride being all red, pink and 'lovey-dovey,' it was dark. There were barely any lights surrounding them, but Cartman made a quick assumption why. _Oh god. It's dark so people can make out. God dammit, how am I supposed to sit next to _Kyle_ now?_

Kyle face palmed. The ride wasn't actually a ride. In Kyle's point of view, anyways. There were only tiny two-seater boats that lead you through a gentle water stream until the end. Kyle took a peek in the water. It was a dirty, murky green color, despite the fact that there was barely any lighting surrounding him. He got a quick glance of himself in the water. His hat was tipped over and uneven on his head, probably from going on so many rides. On one rollercoaster, he actually almost lost his hat in the wind. Keeping his hat on his head on the Love Boat wouldn't be a problem.

Cartman and Kyle didn't say anything, or make any contact, and they sat on a pink boat together, assisted by the tall, male ride operator. Which was sort of embarrassing. Cartman got on first, and the boat tipped gently to the sides from the sudden weight change. He sat down, and wiggled his bum around to get comfortable. The seats were red and cushiony, despite that the whole vessel was made out of plastic and metal. Kyle got on next, and kept the little distance he could away from Cartman. This caused the ride operator to giggle.

"You boys goin' on together as a couple 'er what?" Questioned the friendly ride operator, smiling.

"Uh, no man- were sort of testing it out, you know? I mean, were not experimenting or anything," Cartman convinced, embarrassing Kyle more and more as the seconds went by.

"Oh, I see. Well, to the best of ya' when you do git' a lady," he replied, patting Kyle on the back. They nodded and mumbled thanks. "You guys know the rules. No shakin' the ride or gettin' up in the middle of it. And no pushing each other in the water!"

Cartman pictured a wet Kyle, drowning in the Love Boat's water getting hit by a million rafts. This gave Cartman a few ideas. He thought of causing trouble on the ride, to have fun. But he let it drop, considering the publicity he would get if he caused trouble and made the carnies angry. He wouldn't want anyone to see him on the Love Boat…with Kyle.

"Ready? Set? And go!" The ride operator gently pushed them down the stream of love, and they cruised lightly.

All around them was red hearts, hanging from the ceiling, and neon lights every now and then.

"Oh god. Get me off this thing," Kyle pleaded, standing up, and breaking the rules.

**No, you don't have to review. This was a really shitty chapter, BUT it's there to let you know I haven't given up on this. God, this is getting harder, and harder to write. **


	6. Hold me

**WOAH! 30 reviews!? Holy shit you guys, I love you so much! I feel so special and handsome… :3**

**This story seems to be going really far! I can't believe it, I'm getting even more and more readers. **

**Anyways, I'd like to thank these reviewers, for basically reviewing **_**every**_** chapter:**

**Super manako sohma, xNao., FallenWolfTenshi, GlitterBlings, screamxaimxfire, You'vebeenJayed and IchigoPudding. **

**I have more of 'em, and I would like to thank them all! You all brighten my days!**

**BY THE WAY- I took out a scene from Role Models. LOL, you'll notice it once you read it. **

"What are you doing?! Sit back down or the carnies gunna' have your ass for breakfast!" Cartman warned, pulling Kyle's jacket down, and pushing him back down into the seat.

"I want out!"

"Well we can't go back now, the rides in session! Just wait a little bit longer," Cartman said, and Kyle just stubbornly crossed his arms, and snobbly looked away. There was a silence.

They didn't speak to each other, until a robot-cupid showed up. It was an old, robotic cupid doll, with chipped paint, and its head awkwardly turned around to face you. It was basic though, the kind of cupid you see on Valentine's Day. He had a weird looking white diaper on him, angel blonde hair, and a bow with a heart- shaped aero. "Have fun kids!" The cupid called out, in a goofy pre-recorded voice.

"Alright, thanks- I will, once I finish making-out with my girlfriend here," Cartman sarcastically mocked the cupid's odd dialogue.

Kyle snickered. Cartman was a critic. A harsh one too.

Kyle got bored of looking around at the corny Valentine's Day props. They all seemed to look the same to Kyle. He twiddled around with his fingers, and thought about touching the water at his sides. Heck, maybe he could even splash Cartman with it.

Of course, Cartman thought of it first, and scooped up as much water as he could, and dunked it all over Kyle.

"Ahh! What the hell man?!" Kyle yelled, giggling at the amusement, and smearing off the wetness. _Revenge_, Kyle thought, as he brought a hand full of water and brought it over to splash it all on Cartman.

Cartman flinched back. Too bad, there was no escape to running away from Kyle in such a tight-spaced two-seated boat. Next thing he knew, Kyle dumped a whole hand full of murky green water on his face. Bull's-eye.

"FUCK!" Cartman wiped off the water in his eyes, and shook the dirty water out of his hair. "Carnies probably pee in this water you know. It's like probably a year old."

"Nasty! Sick dude," Kyle squeaked, and made a face.

"Hey, it's not as bad as getting shit dunked all over you."

"At least the shit is fake."

They both nodded, and agreed carnie pee was grosser than the Doo Whooper's fake shit.

"You know what?" Kyle innocently questioned, engaging more conversation. Cartman faced Kyle, and raised both his eyebrows, to signal him to continue. "If I ever do get a girlfriend, I don't think I want to go on the Love Boat with her."

"Why not?" Cartman demanded, looking at Kyle as if he was a maniac.

"Well…- this is boring," Kyle admitted meekly.

"Of course it's boring."

"How so?"

"Well, you aren't getting any action," Cartman explained, imitating Mr. Garrison's voice. Kyle chuckled, reluctantly. "If a lovely, hot Miss Bebe was sucking your face right now, you'd be so provocative, that you'd piss your pants."

"Kissing Bebe?! Hell no, that's disgusting!"

Cartman shot Kyle an un-amused face. "Who _is_ hot then?"

Kyle paused for a short five seconds. He was speechless. "Um," Kyle stammered, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. Cartman was waiting, patiently. He went through all the girls in his class, but none of them seemed appealing to kiss. He _had_ to tell Cartman at least one girl he thought was hot, or else he'd seem gay or something. He chose the wrong girl.

"Uh, Wendy?"

"HAH! I knew it! I thought so!" Cartman sang. He shook his bum around in his seat in triumphant.

"What? What did you think?" Kyle curiously cried. He was desperate and paranoid to find out why the hell Cartman was so proud of himself.

"Your secret admirer is _Wendy_," Cartman confessed, like he was the host of a game show or something. Kyle stood alarmed, with his eyes as round and wide as…- well, Cartman. "You think she's hot, so you flirt with her. Next thing you know…BAM! She's fallen for you."

Kyle started to think back all his previous encounters with Wendy. He hadn't remembered any flirting or sexual gestures, or even much conversation, for that matter. He wasn't even that much into Wendy; he just thought that her hair was pretty cool. I mean, who wouldn't want long, glossy, jet-black hair? Kyle always thought it was cute, as a boy, how Stan and Wendy's hair matched each others. Both of theirs was pretty straight and choppy, but Stan's tend to get greasier than hers.

"For shame, Kyle! I thought you were totally devoted to that Stan of yours," Cartman teased in amusement. He shook his head in fake disapproval.

"She's not my secret admirer! She can't be! I mean, she's going out with Stan right now, isn't she?" Kyle howled in defense.

"Who said a girl can't change her mind?" Cartman retorted, fluttering his eyelashes playfully, like a girl.

Kyle sat silent for a few seconds, looking for the right words to say. "B-but I don't want her to be," were the only words he could express.

Cartman felt a tad of pity for Kyle, ironically. He just 'figured out' that Wendy was crushing on Kyle, and felt extremely jealous- Wendy _was_ pretty damn hot, and Kyle did always have a way with ladies. But still- Stan was Kyle's best friend, and if Kyle made any moves on her- he'd get beaten up by Stan, and wouldn't be his super-best-friend anymore. So Cartman figured out that even if Kyle _did _like Wendy and wanted to be friends with Kyle, he couldn't have both. Poor Kyle.

"Don't worry, it will wear off. You aren't really _that _hot anyways," Cartman soothed, in a really weird way.

"Thanks…I guess," Kyle said. He didn't know if he should have taken offense to it, but it was good enough for him. "And you aren't all that good looking either, mister 'I'm hottest person in the world.'"

"Oh really?" Cartman struck a supermodel pose, with one hand on the side of his head, and the other on his hip. Kyle snickered. What a character. "Hah, I'm kidding. I know…I'm ugly, anyways."

"Hey…you're not ugly."

"Is this coming from the person who calls me fat ass every day?"

"I mean, setting aside your chubbiness, you're alright. Your face is actually quite…dare I say, _cute_?" Kyle teased, and Cartman grinned. "But seriously, if you were a little bit slimmer, you probably wouldn't be a virgin right now."

"Whoooa, Kyle. Down boy," Cartman commanded. "You seem to be able to judge my appearance better than you can judge any girls."

Kyle flushed a light rose color. What was he supposed to say to that? So instead he muttered inaudible words as a response.

Suddenly, an exit light lit up their pathway. The settings lightened into a brighter color.

"Wow, it's almost the end of the ride," Cartman stated. He took a good stretch, flexing out his arms and legs.

"Yep," Kyle replied sluggishly.

"We're coming close to the end," Cartman wailed. "It's almost over."

Kyle gave him a dirty look. Cartman was acting as if he was going to die in battle or something.

"Will you hold me?" Cartman howled. He held his gut, pretending he got shot, or had a massive wound that was going to kill him.

"No."

"Kiss on the cheek."

"No."

"Hug me."

"Nah, I won't do any of that," Kyle laughed, shaking his head.

"What will you do?"

"You'll see."

**---**

**BEHOLD! I am the most evil cliff-hanger person in the whole world. I feel so guilty, god-this is going to be some harsh reviews 'ere. You guys probably won't expect what Kyle will be doing though! :D **

**I didn't really proof-read, so feel free to point out any mistakes.**

**If you **_**DO**_** review. Yeah, that's right, you **_**BETTER**_** review. DO IT. Show me that you care. ;D**


	7. Flattered

**I am a happy girl. You guys really do care about me, don't you? (; I love all of my fantastic readers and reviewers. Feedback is key. Wanna hear about my life? I love Lady Sovereign right now, and I'm listening to her. I got a haircut. My brother says it sucks, his friend said 'no comment'. Some of my friends said it sucked. Got a few wolf whistles. It's like- just passing my jaw. Um, it's pretty emo. Lame?**

**Also, I'm pretty pissed because my brother sprayed cologne all over my room, and I think I'm getting high off of it. It's hard to breathe!**

**Oh, and I also got my cartilage pierced! The top of my ear, god it hurt, but I love it! KK, read!**

---

Cartman waited for a response from Kyle. But, he just stood still, with his face completely blank. He could have passed for a good wax mannequin. This sort of creeped Cartman out. Since when was the fiery, vivacious Kyle so quiet and still? Was this what he was going to do? Stay frozen all day?

Suddenly, Kyle sharply and quickly turned his head, and faced Cartman. His face was still blank, but something was going on with his eyes. He was squinting his eyes slowly. Then, after close examination, Cartman noticed his eyebrows were furrowing together. Uh oh, why the hell was he mad?

Still, a silence. Cartman gulped, and suddenly felt extremely uneasy under Kyle's stare. It just wouldn't turn away. _Did I do something wrong?_

"Um, Kyle? Are you alright?" Cartman weakly inquired. He moved in closer to Kyle's face, and carefully inspected his face for emotions. He playfully waved his hand in front of his face, to get him to stop scare-staring him. He was now a bit intimidated by Kyle's presence, and wondered what his next words and actions would be.

Still, no answer.

Okay, now Cartman was getting _really_ uncomfortable. He felt naked, or exposed- anything but easy and hearty. The cushiony seat he was sitting on suddenly felt rock hard.

Then, he felt puzzled. Just one second ago, Kyle was giggling and enjoying the last seconds of the Love Boat. Mind you, they were going by very sluggishly. Kyle also _just_ said that he was going to do something to him. Was it the silent treatment? Maybe he was about to do something, but an entity or thought must have changed his mind.

An unclear cross face swiftly became blank again. A strong thought was probably flaming Kyle's mind right now, either wise; his face must have been having a stroke. No, now his face was…_upset_? _Tears? What the fuck?_

"Kyle, what did I do? Are you okay?!" Cartman demanded. Through weeping and tears, Kyle tried to remain frantic. Being angry was always better than being upset. This was the most random thing Cartman had ever seen in his life.

Cartman sensed movement. Kyle had just beckoned towards his chest! Maybe a measly inch away from touching, Cartman felt Kyle breathing. He raised an eyebrow down at Kyle's head. Well, obviously Kyle couldn't see that, because now that he had a trail of tears down his cheeks, and didn't have the will to look at him. Again, Kyle rapidly cocked his head up to Cartmans, and looked up to him.

Cartman had just received the most hateful, vicious stare in his life, and he didn't know what the hell he had done.

A loathed stare was followed by actions.

Kyle locked his hands on Cartman's shoulders, and immorally, unnecessarily pushed him into the water.

Falling into murky, trash-filled water, Cartman bobbed his head to the water's surface and took a deep breath of air in. Kyle's words stopped his.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE IF YOU HATE ME!" Kyle viciously screamed. Everyone at the Love Boat's exit stared, and watched Cartman violently splash and swim in the water. A few actually went to go call the ride operators and the carnies. Kyle's strange choice of words could have been easily mistaken for a break up.

Cartman swam to safety, and climbed up to the exit. He hid to the sides of the ride, where nobody could see him to drag attention. Filthy water was dripping at his sides. He tried to shake off most of it, and the water sticking to his body felt extremely uncomfortable. But to his dismay, he could only ignore it for now.

Kyle departed their pink ship, and ran out of the exit, where a few crowds were forming. Cartman followed his trail as fast as his legs would take him. He guessed that Kyle was headed for Stan, to go cry on his shoulders. But then again, Kyle wouldn't have known where Stan was, so he was probably just trying to run away from him.

It was insanely hard and frustrating to chase Kyle in a crowded amusement park. Every now and then, Cartman would bump into a tiny kid, and get slowed down. Sometimes, he'd get closer to Kyle's body, and try to grab him by the behind. It was even harder to run in wet, heavy clothes and soaked sneakers. The hunt was endless, and Cartman's lungs were burning, and he felt like he was going to throw up.

Finally, Kyle tripped over a little kid, and fell to the ground. He tried to get back up and run away from Cartman, but his knees had scraped onto gravel, and caused tremendous stinging. He held his wounds, and started to feel sharp pain. He couldn't go on.

Cartman gladly stopped sprinting, and took deep gulps of air. He had two aching cramps at his hips, and his throat felt tight.

At last, after many continuous breaths of air, Cartman took a glance at Kyle. He looked trapped, helpless and ashamed. He probably thought he was going to receive revenge or get beaten up by Cartman for shoving him into the water. He was surprisingly ready for it though, almost waiting.

"I don't hate you," Cartman peeped meekly, frowning at Kyle.

"_What?" _Kyle asked bitterly, more like a statement than a question. He got up from his feet, advancing towards Cartman with the most furious look on his face.

"Look, Kyle-"

"YOU SPENT A WHOLE AFTERNOON TELLING ME REASONS WHY YOU HATED ME. _Why_? I don't know. But don't tell me that you never did. You made it clear enough when you told me last time, okay?!" Kyle screeched, losing control. His voice was cracking. He turned his back on Cartman, with crossed arms.

"Kyle Broflovski," Cartman said softly, resting his wet hand on one of Kyle's shoulders. They loosened. "Can't a person change their mind?"

Kyle sniffled. He was shaking pathetically. "What the hell did I do to change your stubborn mind? I just threw you into icky water for heaven's sake!"

"I don't want to be honest."

Kyle faced Cartman, and stared, way past his coffee eyes. He stood sober, and calm. "Why not?"

"Do you want me to make a total fool of myself?"

"Go ahead, I'm curious now."

There was a pause, and a heavy sigh.

"_I felt sorry for you_."

Kyle didn't reply.

"I mean, you looked so helpless and upset after I kept gunning you down at the park. You actually took it seriously, and I felt pitiful," Cartman said, closing his eyes. "I saw you crying on Stan's chest on the bus, and found out you took it real hard. Stan actually threatened to hurt Mr. Kitty if I did something like that again. I'm sorry for making things so awkward between us."

Kyle didn't know who to be flattered by, Cartman or Stan? This moment was very rare, an apology from Eric Cartman. He felt sort of embarrassed for being special enough to make Cartman apologize for his mean actions. But then again, still flattered. He crossed his arms behind his back, and dug one foot around in the dirt, looking down to the ground. Kyle's emotions were easy to change. They'd go on and off, on and off…

"I forgive you," Kyle said politely, a tiny smile growing on his face.

"Thanks man," Cartman grinned, coming in closer for a short boy hug.

Cartman embraced Kyle for a short five seconds, patting him on the back. Kyle felt closer to Cartman than he ever felt in his entire life. When he let go, he screamed.

"You got me all wet!" Kyle groaned, examining the wet spots all over his body.

Cartman shrugged. "It's your fault. You pushed me into the water."

---

**Aw man, I'm sorry for the long wait. That took a long while to write, and mind you- it was hard. No cliffhangers this time, happy? **

**Who thought this was a twisted chapter? I thought it was really weird…**

**Anyways, ****YOU MUST REVIEW****. IF YOU DO NOT, I WILL BUTCHER YOUR BODY TO PIECES, AND SELL YOUR ORGANS. UNDERSTAND? I HOPE SO. **


	8. The New You

**I think I ruined this story. I basically rushed everything this chapter. I'm so sorry you guys. For these two reasons.**

**the amount of time you had to wait for the chapter **

**It's shittyness**

**I'm sorry. But anyways, here you have it. By the way, this chapter is written on Cartman's point of view. I thought it would be completely necessary, because I write about him more than Kyle. Don't hate me for this, but I like him more than Kyle as well.**

Cartman's P.O.V

It's been about two or three weeks since Kyle, Stan, Kenny and I went to Fun land. It was fun, while it lasted. After Kyle and I became friends for the day, we could all agree on which rides to go on. That day, I figured out that my friends weren't really that bad. They don't treat me like shit anymore, after I stopped treated _them_ like shit. I had always hated them since I was a child, but I took them for granted. Now I realize that I'm lucky to have them.

Mine and Kyle's Love boat experience wasn't the only interesting one. Stan made out with Wendy on the dreadful Love boat, but didn't get queasy and throw-up like a pussy. Kyle was really proud of him, and in celebration, Stan agreed to go on _any_ roller coaster we wanted. Even after puking on the Cyclone, the fastest ride at Fun land, he still kept going.

What had made me the most ecstatic were the line-ups. I hate line-ups with a passion, but surprisingly, there weren't many that day. And even if there were, Kenny would find a way to reason with the first group of people in line, and get us a better spot. I realized that going to Fun land with your friends is much better than having it to yourself.

Everything was so perfect. I wouldn't have even had the heart to kill a Jew, that day. I was starting to wonder if I had become another person.

And I did. The day Kyle would smile instead of glare, my whole body lightened.

I had always found a great deal of pleasure or joy out of making Kyle angry. But now I realize that I find an even greater pleasure when I make him laugh or smile. Kyle holds so many emotions over my body- its crazy.

Because of this, I now manage to be friends with him, instead of enemies. I had even agreed to never mock his religion ever again. And he had agreed to never mock my weight, which I can barely feel anymore.

But all of this happened two or three weeks ago.

Right now, I'm sitting through one of Mr. Garrison's classes, learning about useless pop culture junk that no one cares about. Especially not me.

To escape this hell, I raise my hand for permission to go to the washroom.

Mr. Garrison finishes his sentence, and turns his attention over to me. "Yes, what is it Eric?"

"Can I go to the washroom?"

"Be quick."

I close the classroom door behind me, and make my way towards the boys' washroom.

I enter, and find it practically empty. With the exception of Butters, peeing in one of the urinals. I join him, tugging at the zipper on my jeans. He spots me, and smiles warmly.

"Hey Eric!" he chirps, peeping over at me.

"Uh, hey," I respond awkwardly.

"Hey, um, Kyle told me to tell you that he's having a sleepover this weekend," Butters said, finishing his business and zipping up his pants. "You're invited."

This was surprising. I had never slept over at Kyle's house in my life. I had broken into his house a few times, and stayed over, but I never stayed there for the night. I guess I should go, not to miss out on any fun.

Plus, I was assuming Butters was already invited. I could drug him up, and do stuff to him while he was sleeping. That is my favorite part about sleepovers.

"I'll see you there," Butters said cheerfully, leaving the washroom without washing his hands. I made a mental note not to touch his hands or hold hands with him anytime soon.

After a few more seconds, I finish up and head for the sink to wash my hands. I find it completely necessary to wash my hands right after touching my dick. Apparently Butters hadn't thought of that.

I come back into the classroom, and take a seat at my desk. I peer over at the people around me. Bebe is adjusting her make-up, Token is rocking back and forth in his chair, and Clyde is asleep. Kyle seems to be one of the only kids paying attention to Mr. Garrison's opinion on 'Brangelina.'

Reluctantly, I save the day by writing him a note. I quickly jot down words on a yellow sticky paper, and poke him, to get his attention.

He looks over at me, dumbfounded. I show him the sticky, and he unfolds it, and starts reading.

'r u having a sleepover this weekend?'

Kyle flips the sticky over, and writes his own response. He sends it back to me, and I skim through it.

'Yes, I am. I'm actually having it on Friday, after school. You're invited to come; we're going to play lazertag, then play tag at my house at night.'

Oh what jolly good fun. I'm definitely going, I look for every opportunity I can find to kick Kyle's ass. I know that we're supposed to be friends, but it's hella fun getting competitive with his Jewish ass.

Right as soon as I look up from his writing, he mouths something I can't understand. His lips are moving really fast, so I sort of give up on finding out what he's trying to say.

I'm about to give him another sticky note to write on, but the bell stops me.

"Oh, sorry children. You're dismissed," Mr. Garrison announces, and everybody leaves the classroom for break.

Kyle catches up to me, leaving the classroom, and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I was trying to say that we're having a silly string fight too. Your sticky note didn't have enough room for me to write on," Kyle babbles.

Now I'm even more pumped. My heart beats faster in excitement. Only two more days until Friday.

"Awesome Kyle, I'll totally be there."

"Awesome," he responds, smiling.

I get over to my red packsack, and fish out a snack. I eat two cookies really quickly, but I don't even savor their delicious taste. I'm too busy thinking about the teams we're going to be making this Friday.

**Again, I'm so sorry if I disappointed you. However, this story is slowly coming to an end. Pay attention on Kyle's sleepover lots will happen. **


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